


*Pranks, Toilet humour, and Entrepreneur jokes*

by GypsumLilac



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: ... - Freeform, ...., Based on a Meta/Analysis, Fluff without Plot, Pre-Canon, Sans Is Gaster, but there's room to continue, lots of puns..., probably oneshot, puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-10 01:14:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11116800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GypsumLilac/pseuds/GypsumLilac
Summary: Gaster is relaxing in the bar after a day at work, hanging out with his buddies. Papyrus comes to drag him home.





	*Pranks, Toilet humour, and Entrepreneur jokes*

**Author's Note:**

  * For [metawasteoftime](https://archiveofourown.org/users/metawasteoftime/gifts).



> This is for Meta, who is not at all a waste of time. They have been working really hard on their analysis and it's really cool!! So, thanks, Meta, for sharing your analysis with us, it's epic!! (also thanks for beta-reading, you are wonderful at it.)

"-and then I said ‘well, i started out with nothing, but i've still got most of it left!’” The punchline is met with uproarious laughter and slapping of knees and backs. W.D. Gaster leans forward on his stool and scans his captured audience with a smug grin. Ribbit coughs up his choked beer. Sari and Mawwage pat the poor Final Froggit on the back. Gaster waves to Firenze and the bartender hands him a bottle of ketchup. “Thanks, hotman.” 

"Good one." Sari tilts her head inquisitively and clicks her beak. “That still doesn’t explain what possessed a lazy bum such as yourself to take on the position of Royal Scientist?"

Gaster takes a deep chug of the ketchup and winks lazily at Sari. "funny you should ask that. my former boss, he told me two of the most inspirational words i've ever heard."

"And those were?" She lifts one preened brow.

"you're fired." Gaster's grin widens. "and look at me now. hanging out with fire-guy here," he flicks his thumb at Firenze, "and you guys and me the royal scientist. second best thing to ever happen to me."  

Firenze throws the thumb back with an irritated grunt before returning to the dirty dishes and Gaster reattaches it with a pop. 

Ribbit, under the combined influence of one too many glass and a melodramatic ninja human history show, rubs his eyes and sniffles. "D-don't s-say stuff l-like that, G-gassy." Mawwage muffles a laugh. 

 "does this put a tear in our relationship?" Ribbit’s distress vanishes and he fixes Gaster with a deadpan look. "what's that look for? did somebody cut the cheese?" 

Mawwage chuckles, unable to hold in his laughter any longer. 

"Don't you have any better jokes, Gaster?" Sari says with the air of someone who has suffered through far too many odiferous jokes in her time.

"okay, okay. so you guys ever watch star trek?" Of course they have, everyone has. Season 2 fell down three years ago and has made the rounds through the entire Underground at least ten times now. Why anyone would throw away such a classic science fiction show is a mystery, but one Gaster will always be grateful for.  

His friends nod and he continues. "their main mission is to go where no man has gone before." He's met with confused looks. "doesn't that, i dunno, sound like a weird thing to have as a goal?" 

Mawwage cracks first, guffawing in the loud open-mouthed way only a Bearrakeet can. Sari shakes her head in sad despair for the state of her friends. Ribbit just stares. Offended? Angry? Horrified? Nah, it’s definitely amazement. That was a pretty good one. 

Mawwage slaps Ribbit on the back and the stare is jolted into a pained grimace. "Go where no man has gone before, that's gross! Humans are so weird," Mawwage cries. 

Sari flashes a stern frown at the 'h' word.  "I thought we were steering him away from biological humor, not encouraging him."

She crosses her arms. Mawwage tries to copy her, frowning at Gaster. He fails and cracks up laughing again. 

"welp, looks like i rectum." Gaster winks at Sari and she rolls her eyes.

 "I have a feeling that you just made a pun based on human biological functions." She groans. 

"urine the right ball court, there." Gaster holds Sari's stern glare. Mawwage slaps Ribbit's back repeatedly and tries to regain his breath. "but you're right, sari. crude jokes aren't funny. period."  They stare in confusion. But he didn’t expect them to get that one anyway **.** After all, not many monsters have read through human anatomy books solely for puns. "so that's why i-"

"WINGDINGS!!!" The colorfully dressed kid in the door stomps in, his bright grin casting a glow over the entire bar. 

"heya, bro. how'd your day go?" Gaster’s sockets crinkle. 

"QUITE WELL, THANK YOU," Papyrus continues to shout exuberantly as he stomps up to Gaster, "ME AND MOM MADE A PUZZLE IN THE DINING ROOM AND GRANDPA TRIPPED INTO IT AND GOT STUCK!! SO I HAD TO RESCUE HIM! YOU MISSED MY GALLANTRY, BROTHER!! IT WAS GRA... STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT, WINGDINGS!! MOM TOLD ME TO COME GET YOU! IT IS TIME FOR SUPPER…” He stops and glares at the stack of dirty plates on the counter beside Gaster. “YOU’VE BEEN EATING GREASY FOOD AGAIN… YOU KNOW OUR MOTHER AND I HATE THAT!!” 

"okay, okay, you can tell her i'll be back later." Gaster shoves Papyrus' skull away playfully. "run home, kid."

"NO, SHE TOLD ME TO GET YOU, SO I AM GETTING YOU WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!!" Papyrus growls and pulls on Gaster's coat with determination. Gaster has to grip the counter to stay on his stool. Sari muffles a laugh in one wing.

"get home in time, and mom will let you put the colon the fire." Papyrus stops tugging and frowns in bemusement. Mawwage betrays Gaster with a giggle. Papyrus' sockets bulge white.

"WAS- THAT- AN ANATOMICAL PUN?? YOU KNOW I HATE THOSE!! WINGDINGS, COME HOME RIGHT NOW OR I WILL TELL MOM THAT YOU PUT THE MAYONNAISE IN THE BONE-POLISH JAR!!" Gaster's marrow runs cold. Papyrus glares with all the triumph of a spider when a fly is caught in it's web.

"hey, paps, you wouldn't do that, would you? not to me . " Gaster pleads. 

Papyrus puffs up resolutely. "I WOULD AND YOU KNOW IT!"

 Gaster shrugs and winks at his smirking friends. "welp. nothing for it then. i'll just have to tell her that you hid all the cookies in the chimney so that no one else would eat them..." 

Papyrus's grin stiffens in horror. "Y-YOU WOULDN'T DARE!? TH-THAT WAS JUST TO KEEP THEM SAFE FROM THE WEEVILS!! WEEVILS ARE ALWAYS GETTING INTO COOKIES..." 

"yup. and that mayo incident never happened. so skele-daddle, kiddo." Gaster relaxes his spine against the counter.

“FINE. IF YOU ARE STAYING, THEN OF COURSE I MUST STAY TO KEEP AN EYESOCKET ON YOU. NYEHEHEH!!” Papyrus pulls himself up onto a barstool and sits down.    


A loud fart bubbles from his seat. He turns his skull slowly to face Gaster with an irate frown. “IT SEEMS SOME CRUDE AND UNSOPHISTICATED WEIRDO HAS PLACED A WHOOPEE CUSHION ON MY SEAT. WINGDINGS, DO YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS??”

“Heh, i don’t know what you’re talking about, bro. ‘Relief’ me.” Gaster winks, the picture of innocence. If innocence is a crude and unsophisticated weirdo that places whoopie cushions on seats.

Papyrus’ sockets narrow suspiciously. He turns abruptly to Firenze and holds out a few G. “ONE SHAKED MILK, PLEASE!!” Firenze places a milkshake on the counter and takes the G. Papyrus nods in thanks before gulping his drink down.

“So, Papyrus, what type was your puzzle?” Sari asks. Papyrus swallows and inhales. He knows a lot about puzzles. He’s tactical and passionate, and he’s studied puzzles with Mom for ages before she let him build his own.

 “IT IS A TOP-DOWN MAZE COMBINING PRESSURE PLATES WITH DEADLY SPIKES!! THE LAYOUT SPREADS FROM OUR KITCHEN TO THE DINING ROOM AND YOU MUST STEP ON EACH PRESSURE PLATE IN A COLOR-CODED ORDER TO LOWER THE SPIKES. YOU ALSO CAN NOT STEP ACROSS THE SAME PLATE TWICE, BECAUSE THEN THE SPIKES WILL NOT LOWER.” Ribbit chooses that moment to faint in his drink, likely due to overexposure to pure awesomeness. Or just too much to drink… Nah, definitely Papyrus’ epic puzzle-designing ability. Mawwage and Sari both grin at his adorableness. Papyrus slurps his milkshake down.

“That is indeed impressive.” Sari says, properly awed by Papyrus.

 “OF COURSE IT IS IMPRESSIVE. IT WAS DESIGNED BY MYSELF AND MY MOTHER, AFTER ALL!! NYEH HEH HEH. HEH!” He crows with a milkshake-moustache.

 “they wouldn’t let me make one…” Gaster banters.

“THAT IS BECAUSE YOURS ARE CHEATS!! AN INSULT TO THE PUZZLE NAME!! AS MOTHER SAYS, THE GOOD OLD WAYS ARE SPIKES AND SWEAT AND PRESSURE PLATES. YOUR ‘PUZZLES’ ARE ABOMINATIONS!!” Papyrus slams his hand on the counter emphatically. 

“oh, wow, that hurt.” Gaster presses a hand to his chest in feigned pain. “i think… i think you broke something… wait… i forgot... i don’t have a heart.” He winks and Papyrus stiffens.

“HOW DESOULATE YOU MUST BE, BROTHER.” He grins challengingly. It’s on.

“are you trying tibia mean?”

“IT IS OF NO USE, WINGDINGS. I SHALL COUNTER YOU AT EVERY TURN TO BAR YOUR DESCENT INTO THOSE DISGUSTINGLY LAZY AND HORRID PUNS YOU CALL ‘WORD-PLAY’.” Papyrus pushes his empty glass across the counter. Mawwage guffaws and starts to slap Ribbit, before remembering the Final Froggit’s unconscious state, so he settles for patting him on the back instead. 

“guess i need to ‘mustard’ up the effort to ‘ketchup’ to you, bro.” Sari gives Gaster a ‘seriously’ look. Gaster’s grin remains unperturbed. 

“WIINGDIIINGS!! THOSE WERE TERRIBLE!! I’M LEAVING!!!” Papyrus pouts. 

“I need to go as well,” Sari says, getting up. “I have an appointment at a new feather salon.”

Mawwage waves goodbye. “We’ll see ya next week, until then-” 

“salon-nara.” Gaster injects. Everyone groans. Papyrus jumps down from his stool and grabs Gaster by the arm.

“YOU ARE COMING WITH ME, WINGDINGS.” 

“hey, Papyrus, you know why mawwage broke up with his candlestick girlfriend?” It’s all Gaster can do to remain on his stool. Papyrus frowns, grip lessening.

“What? My girlfriend?” Mawwage frowns.

Ribbit looks up, confused. “I-I didn’t know you had a girlfriend…”

“I don’t- didn’t- what??”

“don’t you remember? you left because she was always waxing eloquent about string theory.” Gaster winks and is then promptly pulled off his stool and onto the floor. It’s comfortable, so he just lays there. Papyrus gets a death grip on his legs and drags him across the floor. “bye guys.” He manages to say before being dragged out the door and onto the road. The road is less comfortable. But it’s easier than walking, so Gaster doesn’t complain.

“THAT WAS AWFUL, BROTHER.”

“yup. yours were great, though.”

“OF COURSE. MINE ARE ALWAYS GREAT. I USE ONLY THE GREATEST OF PUNS. NYEH HEH. YOURS ARE NOT GRATE ; THEY ARE ONLY CHEESY.”

“wow. japed again by the great Papyrus. this is why you’re my favorite brother.”

“I’M YOUR ONLY BROTHER, WINGDINGS.”

“oh yeah. but you’re still the greatest.”

“NYEHEHEHE!! HEH!! THAT GOES WITHOUT SAYING! BUT YOU ARE THE SECOND GREATEST, FOR BEING MY FAVORITE BROTHER.”

“aww, thanks ‘brie’, that ‘swiss’ the nicest thing i’ve ever heard.”

“OKAY, THAT’S IT. YOU’RE CARRYING YOURSELF.”

“but bro-”

“NO BUTTS. STAND UP AND WALK OR BE LEFT BEHIND IN THE COLD LONELY STREETS.”

“i was only going to say that i’ve got your back. and that i won’t be spine witho- wait, no! you wouldn’t really leave me, would you?”

“...NO, I WOULD NEVER LEAVE YOU BEHIND. NO MATTER HOW LAZY YOU ARE.” 

“aw, bro, you’re the greatest.”

“NYEH HEH HEH, OF- *YAWN* OF COURSE I AM.” 

“hey, come on this way. i know a shortcut.”  

The End. Or is it The Beginning of The End?

**Author's Note:**

> :) check out Meta's works!!! I know y'all're probably just scrolling through fics anyway ;p  
> Thanks for reading!! Any input is welcome!!


End file.
